I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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