last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
