Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
