i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
