Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
