Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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