Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
