You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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