Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
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Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?