who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack