We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?