just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.