Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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