if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
