pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
