he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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