Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
In America we eat man semen.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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