Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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