My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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