We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
