you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
