Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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