new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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