Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
