I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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