I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
