just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
