Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
