I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
