My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
