I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How external is "for external use only"?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
