his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
