Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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