I just saw a hot homeless man
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
