It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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