from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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