I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Two words: blizzard sex
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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