You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
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Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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