My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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