its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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