she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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