So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents