Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.