Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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