I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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