i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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