I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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