I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
