I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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