Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
COCAINE IS GR8
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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