Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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