he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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