drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
