I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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