she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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