It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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