The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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