Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
