so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
