We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Blood and glitter go together right?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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