He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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