im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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